Social media muting feature in The Independent
Why digital boundaries are important for relationships
Social media muting is a digital boundary. In an ‘always on’ world, it can be difficult to manage the flow of information. In real life, we can regulate the amount of time we spend with our friends and family, but if we are constantly seeing them on social media, it can feel as though this boundary has been crossed.
Digital boundaries important for our mental health and well-being. The amount of sensory input we receive every day is overwhelming - research shows that this is 1 billion bits per second. To put this into perspective, the speed at which we can think is about 10 bits per second. When we see information on social media or on messaging platforms, it will evoke a somatic response (what we feel in our bodies) as well as a cognitive response (what we think); so it makes sense that we need to take breaks.
Apart from the data overload, seeing family and friends posting on social media can feel jarring. Particularly if what we see doesn't match our experience or model of their personalities.
The reality is that all of us have different personas in our professional and personal lives, but online personas are often less subtle. For example, it can be difficult to see a friend posting about how fabulous their life is, if we haven’t seen them for a while. This can bring up feelings of rejection and abandonment in us.
Or, if we have been supporting a friend through a difficult patch, but their online presence doesn’t reflect this. Whilst we might understand that the friend doesn’t want to share their struggles online, it can feel as though we are getting the rough end of the deal.
Comparison culture - which algorithms promote and amplify - often leads to dissatisfaction and despondency. It can affect our self esteem and self worth, leading to anxiety and depression. We live in an increasingly hyper individualised culture where productivity and optimisation are constantly measured. Even if we don’t necessarily want the things our friends and family are posting about, the fact that we don’t have them, can often lead us to feeling not good enough.
Digital boundaries are absolutely necessary in an always on world. They give us time to process how we feel about things and reflect on our interactions with others. If we use this space to reflect on why we feel the way we do, then it can be really useful information. Relationships are complex and inherently messy. Algorithms are reductive. They require us to take sides and have binary views. This is the opposite of relational.
In my experience as a women’s therapist and coach, muting someone online is generally a positive move. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we avoid confronting things with our friends and family, in fact it can have the opposite effect. There is rarely a single root problem in a relationship, because our patterns of relating and responding to each other are dynamic. Having time to reflect on this, without the constant interruption of online posting, is usually really healthy.
I would recommend being transparent about muting and how it’s part of a wider self care routine. People happily talk about digital detoxing, so why not explain what muting does for us? Rather than see muting as a problem, I view it as a demonstration of agency and autonomy. Social media platforms co-opt agency and autonomy - amplifying sensationalism, outrage and optimisation - so owning our thoughts, feelings and actions is a brilliant counter to this.
