3 signs your engagement was an ‘upgrade trap’

Are you familiar with the term 'upgrade trap' - if so, is this something you've come across with previous clients?

As a therapist working with women and couples, relationship goals are a common talking point. Over the last few years, it’s clear that social media is having an increasing influence on what these goals should be.  However, they are also influenced by our upbringing, social conditioning, and cultural values. 

Whilst it’s understandable that people find security in quantifying the status of their relationship, it doesn’t necessarily speak to the quality. 

In reality, all relationships go through a series of transitions - some of them are what I call externally triggered: moving in together, or getting engaged.  These are conscious decisions that can be made visible to the outside world.  But there are also relationship transitions that are internally triggered: trying to change someone's behaviour, or fix something that is missing.

What are some examples you might associate with an 'upgrade trap'?

In addition to the obvious demonstrations of commitment such as: moving in together, getting married or having children, there are other less obvious (but no less common) examples where couples find themselves in an upgrade trap. Loneliness is a big driver for people to settle with someone, as well as fixing or rescuing.  In some relationships it could be that one partner is constantly looking for the other person to change.  The notion being that the relationship is not secure until x,y,z happens.  Whereas, in others, it’s common for one party to continuously upgrade themselves in the hope of being cemented as ‘the one’.

Why do you think some people use 'upgrades' such as pregnancy, marriage etc to keep the relationship alive?

There is real danger of introducing transitions into a relationship before the relationship is ready.  For example, getting engaged or married, or having a baby without assessing the maturity of the relationship can put undue stress on it.  

What kind of signs should people be on the lookout for if they're worried they may be in an 'upgrade trap'?

Not everyone moves at the same pace in a relationship.  This doesn’t mean that the relationship isn’t working, it just means that both parties have different expectations of what commitment and relationship progress looks and feels like. It’s common for people to come to therapy or coaching when they feel misaligned in a relationship.  I’ve worked with women and couples in their 30s to their 60s where the pressure of upgrading the relationship has resulted in a permanent rupture.  

Is an 'upgrade trap' a sign of disinterest in having a meaningful relationship or could it be that one/both partners are genuinely committed but unsure of how to fix/ mend old wounds?

By putting relationship goals and objectives in place, we are attempting to address our insecurities and anxieties by making our relationship a sure thing. In contriving to do this, it’s common for one or both partners to overlook important aspects of compatibility. There is a term in psychology called repetition compulsion.  This is where we repeatedly put ourselves in a similar position or situation, with the hope of changing the outcome. For example, if we have a history being cheated on, this will influence our behaviour in a relationship. Sometimes, this isn’t even about our own relationship history.  For example, if our parents argued all the time, we might seek to be in a relationship where we avoid confrontation.  Or, if our parents divorced, we might be looking to achieve security in our relationships. I see this in relationships a lot.  A pattern will play out where the relationship dynamic makes it impossible for the needs of both partners to be met. 

How should someone approach their partner/ question them if they think they're in an 'upgrade trap'? 

Relationships are inherently messy.  There is no certainty.  And yet, we are constantly searching to control them. In my experience, relationships with the least conditions are usually the ones that succeed.  Communication is key.  Relationships are fluid and dynamic and this means that we need to regularly check in with each other so that we update our understanding and maintain connection.  Accountability is also really important.  Being aware of our own stuff and how it impacts our relationships.  All relationships go through ruptures, but it’s our willingness to repair that strengthens both our connection and commitment. Finally, successful relationships require compromise.  Actively listening to your partner about their wants and needs, is really important before making any relationship decisions.  Active listening involves understanding the emotional resonance of someone’s ask.  Clarifying and affirming is key.